Healing: The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. Oxford Languages.
Healing sounds easy, just heal right? No effort, no thought, time passes and you heal.
I couldn’t be more wrong.
Healing is first a decision, do you want to heal or do you want to harbor thoughts of resentment, pity, sorrow and despair that eat at the root of your sanity.
Healing sounds like too much work, it’s easier to intoxicate my mind with the numbing dosage of pity and depression. The dark felt like a safe place because who was I when I came out? What would i have to face when i decide i don’t want to dwell here anymore.
HEAL my God kept telling me over and over in more ways than one. It’s time to heal and let go of the darkness , let go of your self loathing and pity and heal. Face your fears and face the ugly and bitter resentment you’d faced before. He showed me how resentment ate at my heart and how bitterness was the root of many of my decisions because I RESENTED what I had experienced. I secretly started to resent everyone I’d been around because how could they simply understand me or what I felt like I was facing
ESTRANGED – I felt alone as though no where was suitable for my presence, no one was fully ready to receive me as I was
EMPTY – I had been the encourager, the friend (at times) and the one to look on the bright side, but how is it that now I come to the darkest point of my life, the point to where thoughts of travelling to the beach at night and disappearing felt like my only escape crossed my mind regular I could find no light, no friend, nothing that i felt could take the weight of my burden; the heavy sorrow despair and RESENTMENT I had boiling inside. How?! I thought. God how do I heal when it feels like this is apart of me and it is slowly dragging me down into the depths of loneliness. I am starting to feel like I’m completely overcome with these waves of depression unable to bare the fatigue of carrying the weight
I’ve been anchored in the depth of this dark, hollow pit that I can’t come out of but he says to me
Matthew 11:28-30New International Version
28 “Come to me,all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
He said to me, rest.
I struggled to even understand what rest meant. Did I have to just lay there? What did I have to do to rest because when i do lay there thoughts of suicide and heartache overcome my mind sinking me deeper into my bed and I can’t move. I don’t desire to move. Can I lay here for the rest of my life and disintegrate into the sheets then?
He told me resting in me means to be still and quiet your thoughts, give them over to me let me help you to see clearly, YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE. Step out from self-pity! STOP believing lies and just listen to my voice, obey my guiding. Cry if you need to but LISTEN.
As I did the tears began overflowing as I felt I was being emptied from the well of sorrow in my heart. I started uncovering the bitterness I faced when I listened to what God was showing me. He told me to forgive. I confessed how I felt watching my father die before my eyes slowly, I confessed the hurt and resentment from past and present relationships, I confessed how I was broken from the deception I was faced with in my season of fasting and after. I confessed I was imperfect trying to handle it ALL ON MY OWN. And that’s the first mistake
Thinking you can handle it all on your own, you’re dead wrong. “Come unto me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Lay it down
Lay down your pride and run to an all welcoming Father. You know exactly what he wants from you, confess, repent, forgive and ask him to heal you. Note I said the word we often try to avoid for a great measure of time:
FORGIVENESS- It was the moment I had realized I had to forgive myself, God, my parents, my friends, that man that whispered something to me under his breath on the street, i had to forgive and get past the manipulation, lies and hurt I had encountered. Most importantly I had to forgive God for feeling like I’d been overlooked, abandoned in shame and guilt and left to work it all out. I felt the weight of shame everytime someone from church saw me i thought how did I look to them? Do they really know how I had gotten through this valley, are they judging me, do I look odd, can you see on my face how much I detested everything and almost everyone deep down inside. PRIDE- I had to let it go I had to realise it was God’s hand that kept me and that no one was out to get me even if I feared that within. Lies were apart of the enemy’s way to keep me isolated and withdrawn. I was a walking miracle but the trauma I faced had to be confronted.
He said, come unto me. He showed me how his hand had been sheltering me through it all, I could have easily been in a much worse scenario or even God forbid dead but he kept me and for this very reason. It is most definitely not about me or is it my place to hang on to experiences that were meant to break me. It was a molding it was a testimony that allowed me to see how FAITHFUL AND JUST the God we serve is. It is not about me, I experienced the pain and I am healing within that healing i am sharing, I am encouraging and i am worshipping the almighty God who never once let me die in this pity party.
H E A L take your time, take it to God, let him uncover your filth
It will be a journey, it will be hard, ugly, sticky and a total mess! But I promise you you come out clean in the end, your scars simply signify your healing. If God leads you go to counseling, tell a friend, dance, write, sing get it out and let God heal you. You are free here tell me below how I can pray for your healing, you are a step closer by making this step than before❤