It would’ve been during this 40 day fast I began to desconstruct my way of thinking, beliefs about myself and others, ways of dressing, reacting and injesting knowlege from God. I decided I NEEDED this transformation, and that is the thing with fasting and prayer, your heart must desire the things of the spirit and seek those things with all your heart. Fasting and prayer often reveals and exposes your heart issues, unforgiveness, hatred, jealousy, insecurities, struggles and the like once you ask God to reveal them to you. It gives you a new spiritual lense and the goal is for a cleansing and denial of fleshly desires, reactions, ambitions and the like to take place. Most importantly, fasting and prayer is to draw you near to God’s spirit and know his heart. He longs to spend time with you and taking time away from feeding the flesh for a set period is 100% worth it and allows your spirit to grow in God in ways you never imagined. Every fast is different ofcourse but the ultimate goal is to come away and draw near to Jesus. With that said, I entered this fast at first with strength but then along the way I struggled and I broke it for one night, in no time I felt the conviction of God to keep going and start the fast again instead of letting my flesh get in the way. So I picked myself back up and decided to start over. Now please note, my mindset as a person at the time was that things had to be done a certain way, if I messed up I figured I had to start again on a clean slate this can be seen as an extremist mindset but that was how I viewed this fast I had a bit of perfectionist approach to things I took part in. Only looking at it from an outside and healed perspective can you view and discern these things as well. So I began fasting again this time I decided I would do a water fast, now as I fasted I brought up a variety of things in prayer and I sought God for deliverance from a number of them.

Indeed God was speaking to me and cleansing my heart from laziness, procrastination, anger, hurt, unforgiveness and the like. I truly felt God was dealing with all of my hidden faults and flaws. However, within this period of fasting there were moments I believed I heard God’s voice in relating to the extension of the fasting and this is where the downfall came. When I made slight mistakes, it sounds riduclous expressing it but you must understand I was at a state of mentally and spirutally weakness and I was susceptible to the heavy and loud voice of condemnation. Thus, going forward whenever I made a mistake in word, thought or deed within my fast it was almost as though I began to “punish” myself and extended the fast once more. No longer would I be listening to Almighty God’s guidance but the voice of condemnation in which I mistook for “discipline”. This fast then began to extend more and more each time whenever I sat in prayer and felt I heard God’s voice tell me that I needed to go for longer. It was most definitely NOT him. I also often felt as though in the initial stages of the fast as though God was punishing me or I was undergoing some disciplinary action of pruning of some sort, and yes there was pruning but of course the situation was most definitely painful and pushed to the limits.

1 Corinthians 14:33King James Version

³³ For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

God is NOT the author of confusion and what he says stands, it does NOT move.

So what initially started as a 40 day fast of transformation turned into a month and over of fasting due to the continual “convictions” I thought I felt whenever I went into prayer, turns out my spirit was open to deception and because I was weak, it was my first real time fasting like this in this intensity and because I was battling heavily with condemnation and perfectonism i gave in to the deception. I began fasting for long extensive periods each time I heard a new date in my mind, I fasted and prayed until close to that date, then I would hear a further dates again if I felt i messed up or didn’t utilize my time in prayer as I should, honestly looking back it was absolute torture in some moments.

Writing this brings me to tears as I reflect on walking up and down the house praying until i was absolutelty fatigued. Yes I prayed with sincerity and best believe I received many gifts and dreams of the Holy Spirit still during this time but where I went wrong was giving into condemnation, guilt, shame and listening to that voice that sought to kill me. I began this fast in August and at this time it was September/ October when my mother intervened and told me i should atleast use fruit juices, I know she wondered about my fast and sought God about it but because I was so fixed in my ways I did not listen to her, or anyone for that matter. I was stuck on this fast until I “felt” I had done all that God wanted me to. So if you are wondering how I made it honestly firstly God’s grace and because I took some juices along the way.

It was during the same September / October when the Olympics were being broadcasted that would be the worst moments of my fast I still sought GOD but I was in a battle in my mind of thinking I wasn’t being obedient because I started using fruit smoothies and juices, I went to the extreme and went back to water fasting. I didn’t want to feel like I failed what God told me (again all was the attack of my mind) in this time I started throwing up blood, my body was so small, FRAIL and weak I could barely walk. I had gotten to the point where if I tried walking for a long distance I would start feeling very dizzy, I was deprived of nutrients. It breaks my heart.

I had even started having issues with my vision and my ears were blocked as well. I know. It was devastating and through this, I wasn’t fully aware of what was happening, bear with me.

Though I experienced what seemed to be the most extreme events during it all I learnt discipline, I learnt the importance of listening to God and God alone. When I listened to his exact instruction I saved myself from a lot of trouble and things that could have turned left completely. This was most definitely one of the most testing times of my life. God wanted me to hear him, HIS voicd above my own it was as though i was out to sea almost able to drown but never really drowning because of God’s merciful hand of protection. It brings me to the story of Peter where just as how he was walking on the water and had to keep his eyes on Jesus so as not to drown I had to do the same. I was in a very fragile situation I had to listen to God as he guided me through getting through this fast safely without further ruining my body. I van truly say he LED me through the fire, he showed me where I was going wrong and he PROTECTED ME. It was in these moments I felt the most at peace because I had never had to depend so solely on God more than I did in this.

I visited the doctor at this point and he mentioned that was wrong, my blood tests a had all came back normal and I seemed to be ok physically, the only obvious issues was that I lacked the necessary nutrients needed. This was a moment to give God praise because I had developed so much anxiety going to the doctor because I was in fear that he would give me some news that god forbid it was more than what meets the eye, God shielded me, more than once I was told that God protected me from what could have been a worst case scenario.

Part 3 in the next post…